I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
