sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
