My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
