either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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