Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize