I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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