Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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