You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
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I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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