Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
