Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
