Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
