Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
how drunk are you?
Several
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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