You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Your penis caused this!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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