Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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