last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
