I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
