Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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