Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
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