Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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