omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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