apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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