did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize