she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
