I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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