Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
