we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
