The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
