and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
