when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
