Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.