there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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