On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
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Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Of course I have a pirate flag
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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