I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
