Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
