he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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