i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
