Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Randomize
