I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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