you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
