return my video game
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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