So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
