i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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