apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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