i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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