I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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