bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
