I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
