i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
