why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
