i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
