I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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