I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
