y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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