I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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