he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
